Unlikely Pair Joker and Oriana
by Ninaeva
Summary: Joker is giving young miss Lawson a tour of the ship... which doesn't go as planned


_**A/N:** Just a one-shot written for the contest at deviantArt... This is set after Reaper invasion and ME3_

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><p>"Welcome to the Normandy, Miss Lawson." EDI greeted the young woman who stepped out of the elevator, looking around the CIC with awe.<p>

"Is that a VI? No. Simulated emotion inflections. Pilot? Can't be, doesn't sound human enough." Oriana turned on her heels to look at Shepard "Commander, you have an AI on board? Isn't that a little dangerous?"

Shepard just smiled. _She is as smart as her sister._

"Hell no!" A voice behind Oriana exclaimed. "EDI saved our lives so many times, I think even she lost the count!" She whirled around to face the limping man, who extended his hand to her.

"The name is Joker, by the way." He said, the other hand raising his hat a little.

"Oriana." She introduced herself, taking his hand.

"Actually Jeff," EDI chimed in "I believe I have saved the ship 248 times, and crew 247. I failed to save the crew only when Collectors launched surprise attack, except for you."

"What happened to the crew?" Oriana asked, a little dread detectable in her voice.

"Shep, Miranda and the others saved them, of course!" Joker said, gesturing towards the Commander.

"I see you have everything under control Joker, so why don't you give Miss Lawson the tour of the ship?" She then added in low voice, so only Joker could hear "And I'm gonna distract Miranda, so she doesn't take both our heads off, when she sees you with her sister."

Joker gulped, but then a sly grin spread over his face "And how exactly do you plan to distract her, eh Commander?"

Shepard blushed a little "Keep talking Moreau, and you will need a wheelchair for this tour." Her voice was full of annoyance, but small smile betrayed her.

The pilot just raised his hands in defensive manner "Just a little innocent question Commander, so that I know from which part of the ship to stay clear."

"Nothing is ever innocent with you." Shepard said, shaking her head "That's why you get this friendly warning; don't do anything you and I both will regret later. Id like to keep my ship intact." With that, she entered the elevator and left the CIC.

Clapping his hands, Joker turned toward his guest "Alone at last!" Oriana looked pointedly around the CIC "They don't count, I outrank them." Joker added. Oriana just chuckled.

"So, this is Combat Information Center, or as we call it, CIC" Joker swept his arm in wide arc, gesturing the whole area of the CIC. "We have a Galaxy Map here," He helped Oriana on the platform "which Shepard uses to plot a course for me to set." Smug smile crossed his face.

"Here we usually have Yeomen Kelly Chambers," Joker gestured to the right, at Kelly's post, which was now vacant "but I really have no idea where she is now." He scratched his three-day beard, thinking for a moment, before coming down from the platform and going towards bridge, not even bothering to see if Oriana was following him.

He stopped just short of entering the bridge area, turning towards young miss Lawson "You are about to enter the most important part of this ship, so be respectful, 'kay?"

Oriana snickered, crossing her arms across her chest "Do I need to take my shoes off too, maybe?"

Joker grinned._ Im starting to like this girl, she is nothing like her sister_. "Heh sense of humor. Didn't know you Lawson's had it."

"And how many Lawson's do you know?"

"Isn't Miranda enough?"

Oriana just rolled here eyes, and brushed past the pilot to plop down in his chair.

"Hey!" Joker called after her, panicking "Watch it! Don't touch anything!"

Oriana turned to face him, still in his chair, legs crossed, and hands dangerously close to holographic controls on the chairs armrests. "Don't tell me you are one of those pilots who think of the ships they pilot as their babies, or something worse?"

Joker opened his mouth, struggling to find words, before finally replaying "Im not! Its just…" Oriana raised her eyebrow in question, as he fumbled with words "… Well this is expensive ship, and if you are not a trained pilot, you shouldn't touch anything here." He finally said.

Oriana raised from pilots chair gracefully, coming closer to Joker "Don't you know that I was designed for perfection? I cant do anything wrong, because that wouldn't be perfect, right?" She trailed a finger across his chest, and Joker gulped audibly, nodding.

Oriana smirked "Now, will you show me what this 'baby' of yours can do? Pretty please?" She whispered her last sentence in his ear, her hand still on his chest.

Joker groaned inwardly. _I stand corrected; She is worse than her sister. Shepard is going to kill me_. He nodded again, sitting in his chair and turning towards the console. Oriana leaned against back of his chair.

Joker executed some of the basic defensive maneuvers, but Oriana just yawned "Is that all? I was expecting more." He gave her annoyed look, which turned to the look of determination as he faced the console again, executing some of the more elaborate maneuvers.

"Not bad, but I was expecting more from the most advanced human starship, and the so called best pilot in Alliance and Cerberus." Oriana smirked and joker glared at her, before he turned his attention on the screen.

Seeing an asteroid field nearby, a wicked grin spread across his face. "You might want to hold onto something." Oriana grinned, gripping the chair tighter. "You should really think about putting another chair in here." She noticed just before Joker entered the asteroid field at high speed.

He expertly navigated through the asteroids, dodging large chunks and letting smaller ones hit the shields.

EDI chimed in "Jeff, I suggest you stop this, before you damage the hull."

"Don't worry EDI, I managed to successfully navigate Normandy through that debris field on the other side of the Omega 4 relay. This is child's play in comparison."

The flight was going smoothly, until… "Oh shit! Hold on!" … A very large asteroid appeared out of nowhere in front of the Normandy, giving Joker almost no time to evade it. He managed to prevent direct impact, though they could still feel the bottom of the Normandy being scratched by the huge rock.

Both Joker and Oriana cringed at the sound, holding tightly, while the ship shook. "Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit…" He kept repeating while he steered the Normandy out of the asteroid field as fast as he dared.

Joker sighed in defeat "I am so dead."

"That you are." Growled a voice behind them, making both Joker and Oriana to jump a little.

Shepard and Miranda stood at the cockpit entrance, glaring the pilot and his guest.

"Sis…" Oriana started.

"Commander, I can explain…" Joker interrupted her, raising quickly from the chair, limping to stand in front of the younger Lawson.

Miranda directed her icy glare at him, and Sheppard just raised her eyebrow.

"We were… I mean, I was…" He stumbled over his words, until Oriana interrupted him "It was my fault." She stood by the pilot, glancing at him. "I made him show me what Normandy can do, by going in to the asteroid field. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." She looked at the floor in remorse.

"How on Earth, did a 20-year old girl managed to make you do anything, that you knew would get you in trouble with me?" Shepard asked disbelievingly.

Joker opened his mouth to answer, but Miranda interrupted him "Oh, I think you of all people should know how a Lawson can be pretty persuasive." She smirked at Shepard's blushing face.

"Fine, fine." Shepard grumbled, turning to leave. "You take care of your sister, Miranda. Joker, get us to the nearest Alliance station, then get your ass to my cabin, for disciplinary measures."

"Yes, ma'am!" Joker saluted, as Miranda grabbed Oriana's hand "To my office, missy."

Oriana let her sister drag her out of cockpit, but not before she turned towards the pilot, giving him a mischievous smile and a wink.

Joker just slumped down in his chair with a sigh.

EDI appeared beside him "Told ya so." Joker just stared incredulously at the blue orb.


End file.
